Rainbows and butterflies

I read something the other day written by a man who had left a cult. It was titled “IT HURTS” and it really does hurt.

It hurts in crevices of your heart you didn’t even know existed. It hurts in your head because it is such a tangled mess of opinions and stories and lies and truths that you feel like your brain could just explode. You feel betrayed and you feel like a betrayer. You don’t know who you can trust, you can’t even trust yourself. You feel a million butterflies in your stomach but it is as if they are made of lead.

It hurts because there were good times too and people you loved and it all just gets ripped away. It isn’t a clean break, it is a sever, a ragged tear and as someone told me, it is leaving a scar, as deep wounds do. It is a monumental mess, a ball of twine so intricately and inextricably twisted that no one can unravel, so you cut where you need to and reclaim as many strands of it as you can and the rest of the stringy bits have to just be tossed aside because life is an endless tapestry and there is no time to wait, you just have to keep going with what you’ve got even if it means part of your tapestry will have a misshapen patch right in the middle of it.

Then you hope that you come by new thread before the little you have runs out. You slow down because what is the point in carrying on? What is the point in anything when everything you thought meant so much has just been obliterated? And when you are just about at a standstill, when your strength and will is threadbare and you are sure this is the end of your story, something happens. Reels of twine come rolling at you, colours you never touched before. And your fingers weave a pattern you never thought you could…because that is life.

Life gives and it takes. People die and are born. The scales always seem to tip back, nothing lost, nothing gained. The sun sets and it rises again. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing can stop the constant motion of the tides of life. And the life you lead and the land you dwelt in was not the center of the universe, it was not the only place where you could be like minded and steadfast in your faith and removed from life’s trivialities and raise your children in safety and eat the fruit of the land and break bondages and submit to authority and avoid temptation and find your true calling…and lose yourself.

Because this has happened before and is happening now and will happen again. Just like cancer that steals family members or cyclones that tear away homes or fraudsters that rob your life savings or surgeons that leave patients brain damaged or accidents that paralyze your spouse or addictions that disintegrate families or businesses that fold or children that go missing or any number of terrible injustices and impossible difficulties, and yet life goes on. Yet some people overcome and some just crumble into  a bitter heap. What will I do? What will you do?

faith, HOPE, love…I’m gonna sing a rainbow, how about you?

6 thoughts on “Rainbows and butterflies

  1. Mark

    Over time hope grows stronger again and one’s identity moves beyond being a cult survivor. But you have to walk the road leading there with courage, even if at times you stumble along the way.


    1. Kyla I have just joined this blog, leah sent me the link. Your writing is truly inspired, insightful, real, and utterly engaging. The journey is never ending, but your truth is being beautifully recorded, and I have no doubt it will lead you in to great things. Courage to you beautiful human. Big love


  2. Pingback: An ode to Cults – Winging it

  3. Pingback: How do you escape a cult? – Alon Farm, the Story Unfolds

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